Thursday, September 19, 2013
We need to start establishing distance. You're starting to affect me. I find myself thinking of you a bit too often, a bit too much when i'm not supposed to be. It's not like you're single and available, i just found out yesterday that you're not. And the fact that there's so much in common makes me feel scared, scared that i'll be drawn a lot more to you because of the similarities.
And stop, stop looking at me, because when i look at you and saw you looking at me, it affects me even more, so stop. I find myself trying to avoid eye contact with you today because i know you're unavailable and i can't help but feel sad about it. And so the last image i want my brain to be picturing is your face, which has been appearing a bit too often recently.
And stop pacing anywhere near my proximity, you're making me think a lot about it. The last time i saw you right outside the toilet and you almost turned in the other direction upon seeing me, i started wondering over the reasons why you were pacing outside the toilet and turning when you see me. And the fact that you were outside the toilet today again when i came out had me thinking again, so stop doing that, you're making things worst.
I'm sorry if i start acting weirder and weirder in your presence, i simply don't know how to curb myself with that beautiful face of yours popping up in my mind so often recently. I find myself drawn to talking to you, i find myself wanting to talk to you all the time. But so? We can't progress beyond chatting. I find myself wanting to look at you all the time. This kinda spells trouble to me and i'm not keen on that. So yes, my point is clear- we need to start establishing distance.
Her voices ;
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
It's been 4 years since my last post. And it was because of the content taught today during ICT class that had me trying hard to remember the url of my blog. And i guessed lady luck was smiling at me then that i managed to recall and successfully access this blog of mine that kinda encompassed my past. Maybe it wasn't luck, maybe it was fate instead, a sign telling me it's time for me to revisit a past that i have perhaps kept buried since then. Looking through the posts while jon was eating his supper, i was totally hit by endless waves of flashbacks. Memories of NJ, a part of my life that i hardly deemed significant and all that i could remember of NJ were the endless mugging, the soccer matches because of a man i fancied back then, the picking up of tennis as a love of my life besides the tanning part, and a bit of HL.
And coincidentally, i met that very man i used to spend time watching soccer matches back in NJ for, used to have my emotions revolved around, today at mac. I walked passed him and was surprised of course after not seeing him for these few years. I know that he studies in NTU, and have of course imagined bumping into him in school, but just never ever have i thought that my imagination would someday come to life. And what surprised me more was that he looked at me and yet, did not recognise me. Had me pondering again over what jon said the last time we had dinner together- that i have changed quite a significant amount since the first time he met me, which was in my second year of university. Only 2 years and he felt that i have changed a lot in terms of appearance, so i supposed the gap of 4 years between JC and now must have indicated even greater changes which would be the best explanation for myself as to why he did not recognise me? Of course there were other probable reasons, but i guess none of them actually matter anymore. It's the past and although i was pleasantly surprised to see him today because i kinda know that he hasn't changed, still the guy i used to fancied, there ain't any feelings left and i'm glad that i've put him behind me.
Then there was the vast amount of memories of HL, how we used to love each other so much and how my life was almost revolving around him then. Really sweet memories i would say, and reading the posts today had been reminiscing all those days we had together, some moments that i didn't even remember if it weren't for the posts. And because of all these memories, i'm really glad that i had blogged back then, or all these would probably have been forgotten. But a more significant reason i'm grateful towards this blog is that i've came to realise i'm no longer the person i used to be. In fact a lot more different than the Si Jia people used to know, the me i used to know. Priorities have changed. It used to be romantic relationships, a lot of it actually, and maybe a month plus back when i was still attached to Ryan, it might still be predominately relationships, but at this point, being a single self, i start to appreciate friendships and family a lot more, family especially. I love my parents despite them being all so protective and naggy, and i love my brothers, because even without speaking a lot to each other, i can totally feel the invisible support from them. And besides these, i start to treasure time alone. it wasn't that i did not have enough of me-time when Ryan was in Australia, it was more of enjoying me-time as a single self because the stuff that's on my mind when i'm attached back then and when i'm single now is really different. I find myself starting to face my emotions a lot more truly, starting to see myself as a real human even more evidently, because in my me-time, i see myself facing my insecurities and my concerns over different aspects of my life. These make me feel a lot more real than back then, where it was as though i was living in a fairytale. No more fairytale, no more rainbows and unicorns (as Hazi would put it), it's living life again, and i'm not afraid.
And my final conclusion for today's post is that I'm really proud of my past, but i'm really proud of myself that i've embraced it and let it go too.
Her voices ;
