Thursday, September 19, 2013
We need to start establishing distance. You're starting to affect me. I find myself thinking of you a bit too often, a bit too much when i'm not supposed to be. It's not like you're single and available, i just found out yesterday that you're not. And the fact that there's so much in common makes me feel scared, scared that i'll be drawn a lot more to you because of the similarities.
And stop, stop looking at me, because when i look at you and saw you looking at me, it affects me even more, so stop. I find myself trying to avoid eye contact with you today because i know you're unavailable and i can't help but feel sad about it. And so the last image i want my brain to be picturing is your face, which has been appearing a bit too often recently.
And stop pacing anywhere near my proximity, you're making me think a lot about it. The last time i saw you right outside the toilet and you almost turned in the other direction upon seeing me, i started wondering over the reasons why you were pacing outside the toilet and turning when you see me. And the fact that you were outside the toilet today again when i came out had me thinking again, so stop doing that, you're making things worst.
I'm sorry if i start acting weirder and weirder in your presence, i simply don't know how to curb myself with that beautiful face of yours popping up in my mind so often recently. I find myself drawn to talking to you, i find myself wanting to talk to you all the time. But so? We can't progress beyond chatting. I find myself wanting to look at you all the time. This kinda spells trouble to me and i'm not keen on that. So yes, my point is clear- we need to start establishing distance.
Her voices ;
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
It's been 4 years since my last post. And it was because of the content taught today during ICT class that had me trying hard to remember the url of my blog. And i guessed lady luck was smiling at me then that i managed to recall and successfully access this blog of mine that kinda encompassed my past. Maybe it wasn't luck, maybe it was fate instead, a sign telling me it's time for me to revisit a past that i have perhaps kept buried since then. Looking through the posts while jon was eating his supper, i was totally hit by endless waves of flashbacks. Memories of NJ, a part of my life that i hardly deemed significant and all that i could remember of NJ were the endless mugging, the soccer matches because of a man i fancied back then, the picking up of tennis as a love of my life besides the tanning part, and a bit of HL.
And coincidentally, i met that very man i used to spend time watching soccer matches back in NJ for, used to have my emotions revolved around, today at mac. I walked passed him and was surprised of course after not seeing him for these few years. I know that he studies in NTU, and have of course imagined bumping into him in school, but just never ever have i thought that my imagination would someday come to life. And what surprised me more was that he looked at me and yet, did not recognise me. Had me pondering again over what jon said the last time we had dinner together- that i have changed quite a significant amount since the first time he met me, which was in my second year of university. Only 2 years and he felt that i have changed a lot in terms of appearance, so i supposed the gap of 4 years between JC and now must have indicated even greater changes which would be the best explanation for myself as to why he did not recognise me? Of course there were other probable reasons, but i guess none of them actually matter anymore. It's the past and although i was pleasantly surprised to see him today because i kinda know that he hasn't changed, still the guy i used to fancied, there ain't any feelings left and i'm glad that i've put him behind me.
Then there was the vast amount of memories of HL, how we used to love each other so much and how my life was almost revolving around him then. Really sweet memories i would say, and reading the posts today had been reminiscing all those days we had together, some moments that i didn't even remember if it weren't for the posts. And because of all these memories, i'm really glad that i had blogged back then, or all these would probably have been forgotten. But a more significant reason i'm grateful towards this blog is that i've came to realise i'm no longer the person i used to be. In fact a lot more different than the Si Jia people used to know, the me i used to know. Priorities have changed. It used to be romantic relationships, a lot of it actually, and maybe a month plus back when i was still attached to Ryan, it might still be predominately relationships, but at this point, being a single self, i start to appreciate friendships and family a lot more, family especially. I love my parents despite them being all so protective and naggy, and i love my brothers, because even without speaking a lot to each other, i can totally feel the invisible support from them. And besides these, i start to treasure time alone. it wasn't that i did not have enough of me-time when Ryan was in Australia, it was more of enjoying me-time as a single self because the stuff that's on my mind when i'm attached back then and when i'm single now is really different. I find myself starting to face my emotions a lot more truly, starting to see myself as a real human even more evidently, because in my me-time, i see myself facing my insecurities and my concerns over different aspects of my life. These make me feel a lot more real than back then, where it was as though i was living in a fairytale. No more fairytale, no more rainbows and unicorns (as Hazi would put it), it's living life again, and i'm not afraid.
And my final conclusion for today's post is that I'm really proud of my past, but i'm really proud of myself that i've embraced it and let it go too.
Her voices ;
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
hols are finally here, and i'm here for a post again! i'm not back to blogging actually, more of i just needed a channel to release my thoughts today.
went to the beach for vball today! it was fantastic and definitely a worthy trip. worthy in the sense that i've gained a lot from today. firstly, i've kinda 'make friends' with those who i don't talk much to in recrea by having fun with them today. it's nothing much actually but it's quite step that i took today, so yay! secondly, i've really enjoyed the company of sherlyn and wanling! they're so wonderful! seriously, i was really worried on my way to the beach today as i was wondering about company, but the two of them provided such good company! thanks girls, i really appreciated it a lot!:D next, i got to play with the guys who i'll hardly even talk to in recrea! they're all so nice and encouraging, so i'm really very thankful of that too! and lastly, i've learnt beach vball! it's very fun! yay!
got my results today. actually, i'm satisfied i suppose, just that i failed myself in certain modules:( thanks all the seniors who counselled me. sorry, i've always been the very ambitious kid around and at times i really don't make sense to ppl through the stuff i say. i'm glad some seniors did understand me:D
had a tiring and fulfilling day today. never enjoyed myself this much for really long. starting to love recrea a lot, because it fulfilled me in a lot of aspects. people there are all fantastic, and i realised today when you stepped out of your comfort zone, you gained a lot of stuff you never would have should you have stayed in your comfort zone. haha! and yea, i've gained almost everything i could by stepping out of my comfort zone today! very proud of myself in the sense that i went to the beach without my close vball friends! hee! but i made good friends there too! so yup! very happy today!:D thanks everyone for contributing to my wonderful day! oh ya, dinner with the recrea ppl is really good. something i can wish a lifetime for!:D hee!
alright! sijia is contented, for once:D hee! thanks everyone!:D
Her voices ;
Thursday, August 27, 2009
OMG! think it has been more than a yr since i last blogged! hmmm, so many things actually changed and i just edited my profile! haha. no longer a student of njc, but a student of nus now! and no longer still the 17 yr old kid who was thinking so much and eventually heartbroken by someone. But, i'm the sijia who all of you know! still so noisy and busy! haha.
life in nus is still managable, although it's only the third week of school. made a lot of new good friends, a few of which are really gifts from whoever is up there. although it's only a mere three weeks, i had times when i really felt very drained and tired. as many told me, it's prolly the period of adaptation that takes time and energy, and i really hope it's as they said.
really missed school badly in the long hols. everything of school- friends, lectures, tutorials, basically, the school experience and the interaction between humans. it's not as though i was living in my own world without any interactions with people in the hols, just that it wasn't the kind of interaction i desired. And i was really living in a world with minimal human interactions in the long hols, partly due to the need of being alone. learnt and started to love the loneliness that is present in every corner, and it's really a good break from reality. haha. do note that i'm not emo-ing though!:D
now that i'm back to school, lectures and tutorials are just part and parcel of it. i'm not dreading any of it, except lab reports which are kinda driving me nuts. perhaps it's a new thing that jc students were never totally exposed to, so it does take some adaptation skills. although we have done SPA in the past, and the lab reports were kinda similar to it, SPA was done part by part, while the lab report was a combination of everything! and the fact that i haven't been touching such laboratory reports really is giving me a hard time generating those stuff. haha, but it's over, at least the deadline is postponed, which means a break for me for the time being.
i've learnt to enjoy bus rides nowadays. i guessed all my close friends know that i particularly hate bus rides in the past, dizzy spells you see, but it's really a time where you can rest and shut down your brain without being bothered by the tonnes of work waiting for you at home, even though it's only a mere 15 mins ride. kinda funny, because humans really only learn to appreciate things at a much later stage or age, and i kinda give the credits to the busy life that i have now. if it had not been for the busy life i'm living now, i prolly won't be able to learnt to appreciate such stuff. haha. grats to me:D
alright, turning in. stay tuned~
*green makes a new beginning for me. so let go of the pink you've been so used to.
Her voices ;
Friday, May 09, 2008
Yo, haven't been blogging for some time man. really busy nowadays with common test:( exams are coming and i'm seriously discouraged from studying! sigh. i know i can't finish all that will be tested and that's why, i can't motivate myself to study for this common test:( and just as much as i want to start mugging seriously, i'll feel so tired and discouraged that i feel like sleeping:( damn, i think i'm going to do really badly for this common test... sigh. but it's okay, cause i'm determined to study hard for my prelims from june onwards:D hehe. trying hard to mug a little for common test too, at least i managed to finish my photosynthesis and respiration chapter! haha!:D happy! alright la, i know i wont do well for common test, but still trying hard, but at least, i'll make sure i ace my subjects in prelims!:D hehe..
sigh. quite a lot of stuff happened in the past few days... just had Sports Day on 7 May, and aqua lost the cup this year:( but actually, it's okie la, at least we got second? hahah! can you believe it? before cheering competition, we were last! but after cheering competition, we got second! i'm really proud of Aqua, bryan, the house captain of Aqua during my term, and of course, Xiaopeng, who's the next house captain man! hehe:D at least before my terms ends, Aqua still manage to secure a second! hahhaha!
had a long chat with a friend on sports day too. i guess the talk was heart wrenching and anger-stimulating man. sigh:( yes, it's about him, and through the talk, i realise all the rubbish he has been doing all the while. seriously, i really can't believe all the contents of the talk, cause it's so unlike stuff that he'll do? probably i'm thinking too angelic of him, or i've been covering all the rubbish that he has done for him? i don't know, but i just know that it hurts me so badly to hear all those things about him! alright, maybe i've really been covering up most of the rubbish that he has been doing for him, but this time, i really don't know how to cover up for him anymore! it hurts me so much man, bcos i'll really never believe that he has done this kind of thing, until it really happens to a friend of mine! why? i guess it's the only answer i would want to know, the reason behind his actions. is it because of all the lousy influence you get from someone? or you did it out of your own accord? she asked me, is he worth it? is he worth me doing so much for him? i guess i never doubted my answer, that yes, he's worth it, until that day... she was so sure as she was telling me that he's not worth me doing anything for him! maybe she's right, but no one would ever imagine how much it hurts me to do this to him. dao-ing him right from the start of the day to the end, just to force him out of me! seriously, it really hurts me so badly! ouch, my heart cries for the don't know which time in the day:( the more i hope to avoid, the more i see him and the more pain is inflicted. please, it really hurts to be stucked btw a friend, and a person you like. trust me, it really hurts. i don't even know what to do now! sighhhhhh. someone pls just enlightened me...
i want a break, i really want it...
Her voices ;
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Hi people!! haven't been blogging for sooooooo long!! gonna update today, since i'm finally free to blog! hehe:) hmm, my last post was like really really long ago? haven't been blogging since the year started man:( too busy, i guess...
School's as busy as it has been since the start of the year. getting really worn out nowadays, but not really stressed yet. haha. currently, i'm still able to keep up with the tutorial and lecture pace, i guess, so it's quite okay for me. hmmm, tennis is getting really really hectic nowadays! training's getting really frequent and i'm completely drained after every single training man:( but i guess it's all worthwhile! after all, i really enjoy tennis so much that it just took my attention away from my heavy workload and other personal problems! haha! Great! TENNIS ROCKS MAN! luckily, i make the right choice in choosing tennis as my very first sport cca that i take up:) heehee! lalala! oh, and the tennis team went to KL during the march holidays for training. it's really fantastic and a super good time for team bonding! i'm really didn't regret going for the trip man. although i didn't get to play much, the A division girls team got a lot more closer than before and a lot more united!! haha!! the unity of the team is especially seen when any of the A division girls are bullied? *blink blink!!* heehee!!! damn fun!!! MAN! I LOVE TENNIS AND THE TEAM MAN!! THANKS GIRLS FOR GIVING ME SUCH A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE!! BIG HUG TO ALL OF YOU!:D hehe!
I really believe i've grown quite a lot in tennis. firstly, i really understand the importance of cheering each other on under any circumstances now. no matter whether it's a singles or a doubles match, the person on the court needs to be cheered on all the time! maybe we can't be there to play with her side by side, but at least she knows we are with her mentally, and that she's never alone, because we are always there cheering her on and supporting her throughout the whole match:) which i guess and believe, is really important:D hehe! and this is something tennis taught me. secondly, perseverance. i would say tennis, as a sport cca, is kinda slack. at times where other ccas are running rounds after rounds on the track, tennis is happily doing service and playing in the courts. haha, but who says tennis is really an easy sport? and why is perseverance important? i'll tell you why, because you need that to continue training hard so as to improve your really lousy skills and you need that even more to survive from the fate of elimination, but i guess it didn't really affect me very greatly when i wasn't chosen for nationals. haha, save me from all the pressure and stress man:) i'm kinda glad actually!:D lalalala!
Alright, tennis is really a wonderful sport man, and i've made lotsa wonderful friends, like my super wonderful yet a bit crazy captain Eliza *hahaha!*, the super pro and cute Allysa *a bit crazy too!*, the super duper high and completely nuts Maricelle!, the really hilarious and entertaining Felicia aka Fuzzy, the funny and smart Jennifer *WHERE'S WAI KIT HUH? hahaha!*, the super nice and caring Li Qiao *she took really good care of sijia during the kl trip man!:D heehee!* and last but not least, the youngest and fun Shu yi! hehe! that's the A division girls team and each and every one of them are unique and important! i couldn't imagine how life in tennis would be without them! so THANKS GIRLS so much!:D haha!
Guess what?!! tennis took my attention away from him man:) haha. hard to believe? but it's true. i was kinda shocked too, but i realise after the kl trip, i felt a lot more peaceful and calm about my feelings, unlike the crazy sijia who take note of even the slightest movement of his? *am i really that crazy? DOTS* oh, a lot more clear about my feelings towards him too. yes, he's very important to me and i'm very sure about it, but he's not among my first few priorities. Excluding my family, studies is of course my first priorities, followed by tennis, and lastly him, but it's not fixed yet. if there's any other important stuff that comes along, he would just be pushed back, i guess. haha. still, despite his ranking among my priorities, he is still very very important to me. if anything happens to him or concerns him, i would not hesitate to throw back all my other priorities, as long as he's happy and safe:) haha. some people may think it's very silly of me to do so much for him, but i guess not. To me, he is everything. I'm willing to sacrifice anything for him, as long as he needs me, i'll be there for him, always and no doubt about it. hmmm, really feeling very calm and happy! hahaha! it's really great to just like him without any thoughts of future or other stuff. just simply the very innocent and pure type of liking, without any expectation from him. haha! it's not silly, i don't need any return of affection from him or whatsoever, in fact, i don't need anything from him at all, just his presence is enough:) hehe! even if it's looking at him from far away, i'm happy and satisfied and it's all that i ask for:D hee!
Lalala! class's getting quite boring nowadays:( if it's not for Angela who keeps me company all the time, i really wonder how i'll survive the lessons man:( Thanks Angela! so much! haha! and all the little secrets of yours that you share with me! i really appreciate it and i'm happy for you too!! *blink blink! you know what i'm talking about RIGHT?! don't act blur, i know you know! hahah!* but i really appreciate your company these few days man, if not i would have been like alone? maybe not, since sijia is such an easy person to get along with! *WAHAHA! no la, joking nia:)* BIG HUG TO ANGELA!! THANKS SO MUCH! for everything, especially listening to my rubbish about him:) heehee! if you ever need me or a listening ear, just come to me ks! i'll always be there for you, because that's what friends are for!:D heehee!
alright, feeling really tired, gonna sleep soon! haha! i'm such a pig man, but it's okie! i love sleeping! hopefully i will be able to find time to blog more the next time!:D
Her voices ;
Friday, November 30, 2007
YO! I'M BACK FROM HONG KONG!! hehe!! happy:) after spending 5 days in hong kong, i guess it's quite a nice place to shop! the stuff there are rather cheap and the variety of goods available there is scary! a lot A LOT A LOT! hahaha! but the very bad things about hong kong are that the air is so damn polluted! and the traffic is so damn congested and chaotic! walking on the streets and it's quite inevitable that you would be horned? hahaha! YES, the traffic there is THAT chaotic:( lalalla! but nvm, i enjoyed myself over there, although the hotel is 'a bit' too small for two and that the food there are 'a bit' too expensive? hahahah!
DISNEYLAND IS FUN! it's really huge and beautiful!! man, i guess the best part of hong kong is the disneyland there! it's the cleanest place i've seen in hong kong and although the rides there are rather kiddy, it's very entertaining and exciting to see the disney characters right in front of you! hahaha! i've seen characters from mickey's family (mickey, minnie, goofy and pluto), donald duck and daisy, the toy story, the lion king and the disney princesses! WHEEEE! hehee:)
shopping was good in hong kong, because the stuff are so affordable! they are really nice and cheap! hehe! happy!:D seriously, hong kong is quite a shopping heaven, especially when you are looking for affordable stuff? i've really enjoyed myself while i'm there and now that i'm back in singapore, i'm really dragging the tonnes of homework waiting for me man:( sighhhh...
Her voices ;
